I Don't Want to Get Over You - Magnetic Fields

Its 4am in the morning, a cliche time for things to go bump in the night. You know its never 3am or 5am, its always 4am when a writer wants a middle of the night setting. A time of fuzzy yet out of the box thoughts. A time of vulnerability to the world, but also a time of peace and quiet. A time of darkness and minimal activity, but a time just before the morning light. It is the seclusion at night that attracts me to drive out there with no destination in mind. At 4am, there are only a few cars out there, not enough to cause traffic and become a disruptive presence to my trip to nowhere. I take full advantage of the road, with full throttle accelerations, but I also drive at turtle like cruising speeds on 50 mph roads. It all of course depends on my mood and thoughts at that very second.

Thanksgiving is coming up, and for the last month, I have been socially and mentally fine. I have been able to live a satisfied life with very few thoughts about her. I have been interacting with multiple girls on campus, and it has left me emotionally sound. But now, with the holidays coming, I know there is a huge possibility that I will see her, or even the fact that she wont be 3500 miles away anymore, but 5 miles from my house is sending chills back up my spine. The holidays brings about my home network of friends and that network has ties closer to her than I might be ready for this holiday

A part of me wants to see her, a part of me wants to know the answer to this two and a half month mystery. But a part of me says the answer isn't what I want. A answer that if answered now will require even more time to heel. I have talked to many people about the situation I live in, and no one has been able to come up with a solution, or a right answer to this. All I have is this academic game theory I learned in school. A gamble that I must take for an outcome that will be highly rewarding or highly destructive to my life.

I know for a fact that my life is only currently on a hiatus of bad times. It is a blur on how that happened, but it no doubt was something I needed this quarter. I have a feeling that this is going to be a long struggle for years to come. I still haven't made my decision yet on whether or not to to go see her, or avoid her. This decision has consumed my mind these few days, and it has pulled me back to my real feelings for her.