Mother -Pink Floyd

There has definitely been a lot that has happened since the last post. Unfortunately, I've been busy with school and other school activities to been able to update. I was at a retreat recently, and we did a workshop called True Colors. You take a personality survey in which it would tell you what color you were. There were 4 different colors: Orange, Gold, Blue, and Green. Each color represented a set of ideals, beliefs, personality, and mindset. In a short condense description, Oranges are spontaneous, active, and carefree. Golds are organized, punctual, and bossy. Blues are the emotional and caring types. Greens are analytical, conceptual and abstract.

I turned out to be Green with heavy fillings of blue. I wasn't shocked, but I was more intrigue at who I was. Not only that, I met the people in the room who were also Green and things clicked in odd ways with them. We all had similar ideas and we were comfortable with not bothering to introduce each other. We did not have chaos over the little project we were suppose to do unlike the rest of the groups.

We were giving a list of traits about who we were and who the others were which brought a lot of insight to the people I deal with around campus. The sad part was that my color seems to exist in small quantities, but I found myself not alone and "special" at the same time.

This past weekend, I came home to family drama. My parents still see me as a slackoff because they only see me at home sleeping or on the computer, but at school, I have a to-do list that covers the wall. I've come to realize that my parents do not know who I am, and I don't see them ever knowing the real me. The complexity of my mind completely overshadows their beliefs about me. I have lost touch with them now; they live in a world of survival where I live in a world about influence and possiblities. My parents aren't simple-minded; I see where my brainpower comes from. Unfortunately for them two, their weakspots are covered by the other and that leaves them in constant fights over family problems. I luckily was made without those weakspots, and that leaves me at a better state than they are but alone in my family. I try not to be conceded about this, but I do see their strengths and weakness and compare it to myself.

I have tried to feed them bits of pieces about who I am and what I believe, but to them, it means nothing. My values do not match their values. My mindset do not match their mindset. I know that I am definitely not the only child in the world with this problem. Millions of families go through the same dilemma. However, I do not know how long these problems usually last?? I don't see my differences ever merging with my parents. I don't ever see them knowing who their son really is. It makes me wonder if I will ever fully know my child. It makes me wonder if I will ever fully know my wife, my friends, my relatives. The sad truth seems to be no. Noone can ever fully understand a person unless they become him/her. Its more than just wearing their shoe. Its their life that you have to be living; their past, their struggles, their successes, and their desires. We as humans only appreciate what we want and believe. People who think different or get in the way are problems. Thus, I believe peace will never last in this world.

Breakdown - Jack Johnson

Today's song really has no relevance to anything significant. Its just a good song, and I cant get it off my head right now. Over a week has passed by now, and I must say right now I am in a fairly good mood. Last Tuesday was rock bottom I needed to hit. At my grandma's funeral, I finally was able to cry. Though I will say I wish I got more time to cry, not all of my feelings were able to come out and the time has passed now. I do feel that emotional burden just barely hidden under my daily priorities. Time is too sacred in this world, and I don't have any more time to stop again to release this negative energy. Frankly, I think my plans right now is to eat it up and hope it sink deeper away and dissolve away after time passes.

After the funeral, I was slowly able to pull up from bottom at a steady rate. In fact, right now the funeral seems like it was almost a month ago. The rest of the week, I spent a lot of time with friends to keep me company and just had a good time enjoying our first week of the quarter. For the weekend, I went to a conference out of town that was sponsored by the campus. The hotel we stayed was pretty clean and made the time enjoyable. The workshops were generally helpful and the speakers were also inspiring. I was extremely impress of the fellow students I was with. I couldn't believe how many people I met that had at least some sort of ambition in their life. Though they did not represent the whole campus, they did show why my college has strong foundations. I networked with these people and hopefully made a lot of friendships.

As for the initial suffer, I still do think about her at least once a day, but it is not a destructive activity to my daily life. I still have not found a woman who can compete with her, but I have found women out there (especially at the conference) who do bring substance to the table. It felt good to be surrounded by quality ladies =].