Mother -Pink Floyd

There has definitely been a lot that has happened since the last post. Unfortunately, I've been busy with school and other school activities to been able to update. I was at a retreat recently, and we did a workshop called True Colors. You take a personality survey in which it would tell you what color you were. There were 4 different colors: Orange, Gold, Blue, and Green. Each color represented a set of ideals, beliefs, personality, and mindset. In a short condense description, Oranges are spontaneous, active, and carefree. Golds are organized, punctual, and bossy. Blues are the emotional and caring types. Greens are analytical, conceptual and abstract.

I turned out to be Green with heavy fillings of blue. I wasn't shocked, but I was more intrigue at who I was. Not only that, I met the people in the room who were also Green and things clicked in odd ways with them. We all had similar ideas and we were comfortable with not bothering to introduce each other. We did not have chaos over the little project we were suppose to do unlike the rest of the groups.

We were giving a list of traits about who we were and who the others were which brought a lot of insight to the people I deal with around campus. The sad part was that my color seems to exist in small quantities, but I found myself not alone and "special" at the same time.

This past weekend, I came home to family drama. My parents still see me as a slackoff because they only see me at home sleeping or on the computer, but at school, I have a to-do list that covers the wall. I've come to realize that my parents do not know who I am, and I don't see them ever knowing the real me. The complexity of my mind completely overshadows their beliefs about me. I have lost touch with them now; they live in a world of survival where I live in a world about influence and possiblities. My parents aren't simple-minded; I see where my brainpower comes from. Unfortunately for them two, their weakspots are covered by the other and that leaves them in constant fights over family problems. I luckily was made without those weakspots, and that leaves me at a better state than they are but alone in my family. I try not to be conceded about this, but I do see their strengths and weakness and compare it to myself.

I have tried to feed them bits of pieces about who I am and what I believe, but to them, it means nothing. My values do not match their values. My mindset do not match their mindset. I know that I am definitely not the only child in the world with this problem. Millions of families go through the same dilemma. However, I do not know how long these problems usually last?? I don't see my differences ever merging with my parents. I don't ever see them knowing who their son really is. It makes me wonder if I will ever fully know my child. It makes me wonder if I will ever fully know my wife, my friends, my relatives. The sad truth seems to be no. Noone can ever fully understand a person unless they become him/her. Its more than just wearing their shoe. Its their life that you have to be living; their past, their struggles, their successes, and their desires. We as humans only appreciate what we want and believe. People who think different or get in the way are problems. Thus, I believe peace will never last in this world.

Time - Pink Floyd

My grandma from my mom's side has gotten worse over the course of the week. She fell again and broke her arm on weds. The next day, she fell again and became unconscious and was sent back to the hospital. Currently, she is staying there and is now losing track of where she is at and becoming delirious. I don't know how long she is gonna stay with us, but my aunt has been calling people to hurry and come before its too late. I'm not a man who knows how to express his feelings, and I don't know what to say at a time like this. I'm not sure if I will even cry when it occurs.
I think my apathy comes from the busy world we live in today. I have things to prepare for school and keeping track of the apt bills along with a project for an organization on-campus. My assistant had stepped down from her position for an internship elsewhere, and now I'm left with a giant mess and waiting for the new person to be appointed so I can train him/her. My cousin has been going to similar stress, and I think all of my other family members have just as much crap to do these days that we're just all looking away as much as we can until it hits.
For a woman at the end of her life, this is just disgusting of how society has force human beings to become robots. I know right now she is alone in this world even with over 12 children and 20 grandchildren and about 6 great grand children. I was never close to her, and it kills me to know that there isn't a thing I can do to ease her departure.

The world spins too fast now. In the mist of this financial crisis and heavy recession, all I see is people doing their best to live the life they lived before all this happened. People have stop smelling the roses; they live in a world of speed and competition to find their purpose of living. I believe that society has lost its empathy. Since the Industrial revolution, the clock controls the daily operations of humans and to break away from it results in isolation,financial loss, incarceration, or death.

I hate to imagine how lonely the end of my life will be. My Children will probably have enough on their plates to take care of me. I don't think they would be allowed to stop and smell the roses. Their job and children will have their lives. I will be that secondary thing to worry about, the where their just tossing money at to prolong the inevitable, death. Its always after you leave that they begin to slow the world they live in to make time for your funeral.