This weekend is literally a year ago from when this pain all started, and like the planet, I have made a circle, and I am back where I started. My last update was in Feb, and so much has happened since then, and so much hasn't. My feelings still exist for her, and I have no control anymore of it. I have been diagnosis with depression a few days ago. My perspective on life has changed dramatically. I cannot see myself after graduation, I only see darkness with a taint of light which from that point would be my past and my college experience shining dimly. When I try hard to imagine my life 10-30 years from now, I see myself unhappy, living a lie, and dying inside. I do not see myself raising a family with a woman I love, I do not see myself making a change on this planet. I only see myself living a life that only goes by the day. My friends will be happy, but I will be alone.

You can say that the potential for another outcome is always possible, but if you look at how my life has been lead these last few years you would be lying to me. My grades have been suffering and I could not get an internship this summer, not even for free labor. I am practically at the bottom of my class. My degree is worth nothing. At best, I may be lucky enough to be a manager at a Target or some other major store, but will I be satisfied? I would be living a lie and fall into the corporate rat race. I would still be depressed as I do the same thing day after day solving retarded customer problems.

When I look at the other people in my class, I see their hope to become successful and wealthy. I see their dreams of being a future businessman/woman and drive a nice car with a family and a two story house. But will they succeed? Maybe, maybe not. I could care less. These students are looking out for themselves and only themselves. They do not care about humanity or the starvation of billions of people out there. Their self joy is having money regardless of their religion or beliefs.

So what has been going on with me since the las time we met?

I am now a high ranking student leader on campus and represent my school to the state legislator. I have been working on improving student life in mist of a recession. Still did not found a girl who understands me. and my brain is too occuipied to do anything like study for my final.

Postal Service - Suddenly Everything has Changed

Wow... I will say I do not know what to feel. I have met someone who reminds me of her. Her intellect, her personality, her musical taste, they all have hit my bruised heart in the places its been hurting for the last 3 months. I am glad to see there isnt really only one. This new girl isnt the same person and by no means does she look like her. I am not in love with her, but I do think I like her. And I plan to get to her know her and see where it can develop. I am afraid however of losing this new girl too. I think it would be a horrible blow to my character. Ive been told the risk is worth it. I have been talking to her the last few weeks and we have pick up some steam in terms of conversation. The similarities in taste is somewhat shocking yet expected. Though her actual thoughts are a total mystery. I have seen strong signs of trust at the very least. I hate it when things are still up in the air.

Pink Floyd - Speak to Me

Winter break has passed, and I was able to avoid seeing her. There were so many close calls, but I was able to avoid them and save myself the pain again. However, there was a time when I was at her house when she was there. We never saw each other, but we were about 15 feet from each other. I did get to hear her voice, and it just seem very shocking but natural. Yet, it has been three months since I heard her voice. It sucks to realize that our paths have split pretty far now. This mere touch of roads was meaningless to her, but hard on me. This quarter has had a decent start, things are in place and carrying forward. The road trip I took during the break was a nice breath of fresh air. Life has continued...