2019

Woah. I didn't realize this was all still here. It's been ten years since I started this blog, and I guess, that's an accomplishment that I didn't would happen back then. Alot has clearly happened since then. And I doubt I can cover it all in one blog, but it probably makes sense to just start with the big recent items, and maybe we do a movie style flashback in a future post. I wasn't going to write, but I've felt my writing has gone downhill since college. Reading a couple of posts, I know my grammatical skills and structure have improved (I think), but the creative flows that come with writing have not. So where do we begin? How did I find myself back here? I'm getting married! Wow, just saying it seems almost surreal, and being on this blog can only make me wonder if that would of calm the nerves of a 20-year-old me back then. It's almost like pressing the restore button on your computer as if this archive version has been sitting inside deeply buried, and I'm reviving those emotions and memory back after every sentence to get a sense of what I would have thought or feel. So what does being engaged have to do with this? I was looking for inspiration to write my vows, and I remember years ago one of my readers has said this was some damn creative writing, I was shocked, I felt that this was all ramblings, but later on, I did understand that depression has a beautiful by-product of creativity. I've only gone throw a couple of random posts, and I can tell.. it was a different time, with a different genius at the wheel Not sure if I'm fully ready to read it all, but I think I might find something about how I define love. Is it cheating? It's my own writing, how can it be?? If I find the words I wrote then apply to the woman I'm marrying now, then it's true, I've lost that part of my talent in being able to convey it. SO why write again? Well, I read that writing helps get the creative brain flowing again, and I feel like that may be helpful especially since many of the jobs I'm considering in the future look for a strong prolific writer. I also think, this may help me figure out my vows. I have a few months, the wedding is on Labor day weekend. And that... was interesting to discover, that the events that was the inception of this blog happened on labor day weekend. Is it on purpose? I don't think so, we were open to all kinds of dates, but given what I was anticipating for work, it was between Labor Day weekend and Thanksgiving weekend. We decided the former was easier to handle than the latter. Who's the girl? Well, I would love to get into it, but I'm tapping out my creative juices right now. Plus, I will be back. There is no way I can not just write about her if I want my vows to be romantic.

This weekend is literally a year ago from when this pain all started, and like the planet, I have made a circle, and I am back where I started. My last update was in Feb, and so much has happened since then, and so much hasn't. My feelings still exist for her, and I have no control anymore of it. I have been diagnosis with depression a few days ago. My perspective on life has changed dramatically. I cannot see myself after graduation, I only see darkness with a taint of light which from that point would be my past and my college experience shining dimly. When I try hard to imagine my life 10-30 years from now, I see myself unhappy, living a lie, and dying inside. I do not see myself raising a family with a woman I love, I do not see myself making a change on this planet. I only see myself living a life that only goes by the day. My friends will be happy, but I will be alone.

You can say that the potential for another outcome is always possible, but if you look at how my life has been lead these last few years you would be lying to me. My grades have been suffering and I could not get an internship this summer, not even for free labor. I am practically at the bottom of my class. My degree is worth nothing. At best, I may be lucky enough to be a manager at a Target or some other major store, but will I be satisfied? I would be living a lie and fall into the corporate rat race. I would still be depressed as I do the same thing day after day solving retarded customer problems.

When I look at the other people in my class, I see their hope to become successful and wealthy. I see their dreams of being a future businessman/woman and drive a nice car with a family and a two story house. But will they succeed? Maybe, maybe not. I could care less. These students are looking out for themselves and only themselves. They do not care about humanity or the starvation of billions of people out there. Their self joy is having money regardless of their religion or beliefs.

So what has been going on with me since the las time we met?

I am now a high ranking student leader on campus and represent my school to the state legislator. I have been working on improving student life in mist of a recession. Still did not found a girl who understands me. and my brain is too occuipied to do anything like study for my final.

Postal Service - Suddenly Everything has Changed

Wow... I will say I do not know what to feel. I have met someone who reminds me of her. Her intellect, her personality, her musical taste, they all have hit my bruised heart in the places its been hurting for the last 3 months. I am glad to see there isnt really only one. This new girl isnt the same person and by no means does she look like her. I am not in love with her, but I do think I like her. And I plan to get to her know her and see where it can develop. I am afraid however of losing this new girl too. I think it would be a horrible blow to my character. Ive been told the risk is worth it. I have been talking to her the last few weeks and we have pick up some steam in terms of conversation. The similarities in taste is somewhat shocking yet expected. Though her actual thoughts are a total mystery. I have seen strong signs of trust at the very least. I hate it when things are still up in the air.

Pink Floyd - Speak to Me

Winter break has passed, and I was able to avoid seeing her. There were so many close calls, but I was able to avoid them and save myself the pain again. However, there was a time when I was at her house when she was there. We never saw each other, but we were about 15 feet from each other. I did get to hear her voice, and it just seem very shocking but natural. Yet, it has been three months since I heard her voice. It sucks to realize that our paths have split pretty far now. This mere touch of roads was meaningless to her, but hard on me. This quarter has had a decent start, things are in place and carrying forward. The road trip I took during the break was a nice breath of fresh air. Life has continued...

I Don't Want to Get Over You - Magnetic Fields

Its 4am in the morning, a cliche time for things to go bump in the night. You know its never 3am or 5am, its always 4am when a writer wants a middle of the night setting. A time of fuzzy yet out of the box thoughts. A time of vulnerability to the world, but also a time of peace and quiet. A time of darkness and minimal activity, but a time just before the morning light. It is the seclusion at night that attracts me to drive out there with no destination in mind. At 4am, there are only a few cars out there, not enough to cause traffic and become a disruptive presence to my trip to nowhere. I take full advantage of the road, with full throttle accelerations, but I also drive at turtle like cruising speeds on 50 mph roads. It all of course depends on my mood and thoughts at that very second.

Thanksgiving is coming up, and for the last month, I have been socially and mentally fine. I have been able to live a satisfied life with very few thoughts about her. I have been interacting with multiple girls on campus, and it has left me emotionally sound. But now, with the holidays coming, I know there is a huge possibility that I will see her, or even the fact that she wont be 3500 miles away anymore, but 5 miles from my house is sending chills back up my spine. The holidays brings about my home network of friends and that network has ties closer to her than I might be ready for this holiday

A part of me wants to see her, a part of me wants to know the answer to this two and a half month mystery. But a part of me says the answer isn't what I want. A answer that if answered now will require even more time to heel. I have talked to many people about the situation I live in, and no one has been able to come up with a solution, or a right answer to this. All I have is this academic game theory I learned in school. A gamble that I must take for an outcome that will be highly rewarding or highly destructive to my life.

I know for a fact that my life is only currently on a hiatus of bad times. It is a blur on how that happened, but it no doubt was something I needed this quarter. I have a feeling that this is going to be a long struggle for years to come. I still haven't made my decision yet on whether or not to to go see her, or avoid her. This decision has consumed my mind these few days, and it has pulled me back to my real feelings for her.

Mother -Pink Floyd

There has definitely been a lot that has happened since the last post. Unfortunately, I've been busy with school and other school activities to been able to update. I was at a retreat recently, and we did a workshop called True Colors. You take a personality survey in which it would tell you what color you were. There were 4 different colors: Orange, Gold, Blue, and Green. Each color represented a set of ideals, beliefs, personality, and mindset. In a short condense description, Oranges are spontaneous, active, and carefree. Golds are organized, punctual, and bossy. Blues are the emotional and caring types. Greens are analytical, conceptual and abstract.

I turned out to be Green with heavy fillings of blue. I wasn't shocked, but I was more intrigue at who I was. Not only that, I met the people in the room who were also Green and things clicked in odd ways with them. We all had similar ideas and we were comfortable with not bothering to introduce each other. We did not have chaos over the little project we were suppose to do unlike the rest of the groups.

We were giving a list of traits about who we were and who the others were which brought a lot of insight to the people I deal with around campus. The sad part was that my color seems to exist in small quantities, but I found myself not alone and "special" at the same time.

This past weekend, I came home to family drama. My parents still see me as a slackoff because they only see me at home sleeping or on the computer, but at school, I have a to-do list that covers the wall. I've come to realize that my parents do not know who I am, and I don't see them ever knowing the real me. The complexity of my mind completely overshadows their beliefs about me. I have lost touch with them now; they live in a world of survival where I live in a world about influence and possiblities. My parents aren't simple-minded; I see where my brainpower comes from. Unfortunately for them two, their weakspots are covered by the other and that leaves them in constant fights over family problems. I luckily was made without those weakspots, and that leaves me at a better state than they are but alone in my family. I try not to be conceded about this, but I do see their strengths and weakness and compare it to myself.

I have tried to feed them bits of pieces about who I am and what I believe, but to them, it means nothing. My values do not match their values. My mindset do not match their mindset. I know that I am definitely not the only child in the world with this problem. Millions of families go through the same dilemma. However, I do not know how long these problems usually last?? I don't see my differences ever merging with my parents. I don't ever see them knowing who their son really is. It makes me wonder if I will ever fully know my child. It makes me wonder if I will ever fully know my wife, my friends, my relatives. The sad truth seems to be no. Noone can ever fully understand a person unless they become him/her. Its more than just wearing their shoe. Its their life that you have to be living; their past, their struggles, their successes, and their desires. We as humans only appreciate what we want and believe. People who think different or get in the way are problems. Thus, I believe peace will never last in this world.

Breakdown - Jack Johnson

Today's song really has no relevance to anything significant. Its just a good song, and I cant get it off my head right now. Over a week has passed by now, and I must say right now I am in a fairly good mood. Last Tuesday was rock bottom I needed to hit. At my grandma's funeral, I finally was able to cry. Though I will say I wish I got more time to cry, not all of my feelings were able to come out and the time has passed now. I do feel that emotional burden just barely hidden under my daily priorities. Time is too sacred in this world, and I don't have any more time to stop again to release this negative energy. Frankly, I think my plans right now is to eat it up and hope it sink deeper away and dissolve away after time passes.

After the funeral, I was slowly able to pull up from bottom at a steady rate. In fact, right now the funeral seems like it was almost a month ago. The rest of the week, I spent a lot of time with friends to keep me company and just had a good time enjoying our first week of the quarter. For the weekend, I went to a conference out of town that was sponsored by the campus. The hotel we stayed was pretty clean and made the time enjoyable. The workshops were generally helpful and the speakers were also inspiring. I was extremely impress of the fellow students I was with. I couldn't believe how many people I met that had at least some sort of ambition in their life. Though they did not represent the whole campus, they did show why my college has strong foundations. I networked with these people and hopefully made a lot of friendships.

As for the initial suffer, I still do think about her at least once a day, but it is not a destructive activity to my daily life. I still have not found a woman who can compete with her, but I have found women out there (especially at the conference) who do bring substance to the table. It felt good to be surrounded by quality ladies =].