Fly Away

Today she finally left town and is off to college. Of course, I haven't heard from her since last week after I dropped her off. My friends have been very helpful through the whole week. I can't say enough to thank them. Frankly, life is not easy with this kind of stress. My weekend was pretty tiring. I was dragged to do errands the whole weekend, and mindless tasks forces me to think. Thinking is pretty bad for me these days. I bring up the past and play through it min by min just trying to analysis like its a Shakespeare play. I could swear I did that this morning just before I woke up. I started to listen to my old music again. Some of songs bring more pain than others. Nevertheless, I have gotten alot stronger and building myself back up again.

I've also decided to pursue some of my interests that I've had as an adolescent. I want to pick up writing like I have lately,but I want to push it further. I want to take a poetry class winter quarter, because they are all full right now. Also, I am hoping to start writing for one of the school's publications. I think I could exploit my unbiased judgment on music. I have preferences to what I like to listen to, but I can appreciate good artists from different or unfamilar genres. From the surface, its easy to say Im writing to try to get closer to her... but I've had this urge to write way before she came into the picture. I just never had the ambition to develop it since I felt it wouldn't lead me anywhere. Writing helps my emotions come out so I figure if I am going to start writng more I should strenghten my grasp on language. My first college writing professor was the one who pulled out my writing potential and placed it infront of me. I never knew how much fun writing was to me until she showed the class how to dig deep into material to learn what its trying to tell you. I actually hope to meet up with her this year to see where I can further develop my writing skills.

I also want to start photography, but I need a really good camera and thats hard to come by right now. A DLSR is going to cost me a min of 600 dollars. I have the money, but I prefer a job first so I don't go bankrupt. I easily see the world in picture frames, but I never have the camera that is fully capable of capturing what I see. Things get blurry when they shouldn't or color/brightness issues always arise. I therefore will not go cheap on this when I do finally decide to go for it.

The last thing I plan to work on is the meaning of life and solving the unsolvable problems on the planet. I have been working on that since high school and contiued in college. I just felt I should restate it to keep me focused on my goals here. I also need to remember to take a philsophy class.

Thats all for today, I'm pretty tired right now with these poor sleeping habits... it was a better day than any day last week; I just don't know if it is a phase, and that I will get pulled back down unexpectantly.

the start of this blog

I don't know what is the purpose of this blog until I get deeper into writing on here. I am a student in California just trying to graduate like everyone else and get a job. Of course, I didn't make a blog to write about my hardships in college. I am writing this blog to pour out feelings both good or bad.

Lately, I have not been the best of moods and I would have to say that I dont know what is gonna happen in the next 6 months but I need to know... In a sense, it is crucial that the things I want to happen occur the next few months. I have never been this determined in my life. It frankly is different and slightly depressing. I know things will get in the way as time passes, and relationships I have with friends may sour because of my ignorance. But I feel that the best thing I can do now is do my best and strengthen every personal relationship I have so that atleast the web of people I have will be able to hold me up and stop me from falling into a black hole.

These next six months will be different, eventful, and possibly heartbreaking. My life stands on a pivotal point. Before me is a labyrinth that offers a wide variety of paths and an infinate number of outcomes. I have taken my first step this week on what I think is the best choice. Of course, it is not the easiest choice, but I don't really care about the additional suffering anymore. I am suffering a great deal regardless of the path I chose.

There is one path that is more difficult to me than any other path, and that path is to strip myself of who I am and become someone else. I would have to stop my love for the music I listen to. I as a individual cannnot accomplish this without sacrificing my principles. Music is my strongest connection to who I am. I have temporary switched to new and exotic music provided by and good friend. It is not who I am. There are a few good songs many I plan to keep listening to, but I could only see this annex to my musical soul and not replace it.