Pink Floyd - Speak to Me

Winter break has passed, and I was able to avoid seeing her. There were so many close calls, but I was able to avoid them and save myself the pain again. However, there was a time when I was at her house when she was there. We never saw each other, but we were about 15 feet from each other. I did get to hear her voice, and it just seem very shocking but natural. Yet, it has been three months since I heard her voice. It sucks to realize that our paths have split pretty far now. This mere touch of roads was meaningless to her, but hard on me. This quarter has had a decent start, things are in place and carrying forward. The road trip I took during the break was a nice breath of fresh air. Life has continued...

I Don't Want to Get Over You - Magnetic Fields

Its 4am in the morning, a cliche time for things to go bump in the night. You know its never 3am or 5am, its always 4am when a writer wants a middle of the night setting. A time of fuzzy yet out of the box thoughts. A time of vulnerability to the world, but also a time of peace and quiet. A time of darkness and minimal activity, but a time just before the morning light. It is the seclusion at night that attracts me to drive out there with no destination in mind. At 4am, there are only a few cars out there, not enough to cause traffic and become a disruptive presence to my trip to nowhere. I take full advantage of the road, with full throttle accelerations, but I also drive at turtle like cruising speeds on 50 mph roads. It all of course depends on my mood and thoughts at that very second.

Thanksgiving is coming up, and for the last month, I have been socially and mentally fine. I have been able to live a satisfied life with very few thoughts about her. I have been interacting with multiple girls on campus, and it has left me emotionally sound. But now, with the holidays coming, I know there is a huge possibility that I will see her, or even the fact that she wont be 3500 miles away anymore, but 5 miles from my house is sending chills back up my spine. The holidays brings about my home network of friends and that network has ties closer to her than I might be ready for this holiday

A part of me wants to see her, a part of me wants to know the answer to this two and a half month mystery. But a part of me says the answer isn't what I want. A answer that if answered now will require even more time to heel. I have talked to many people about the situation I live in, and no one has been able to come up with a solution, or a right answer to this. All I have is this academic game theory I learned in school. A gamble that I must take for an outcome that will be highly rewarding or highly destructive to my life.

I know for a fact that my life is only currently on a hiatus of bad times. It is a blur on how that happened, but it no doubt was something I needed this quarter. I have a feeling that this is going to be a long struggle for years to come. I still haven't made my decision yet on whether or not to to go see her, or avoid her. This decision has consumed my mind these few days, and it has pulled me back to my real feelings for her.

Mother -Pink Floyd

There has definitely been a lot that has happened since the last post. Unfortunately, I've been busy with school and other school activities to been able to update. I was at a retreat recently, and we did a workshop called True Colors. You take a personality survey in which it would tell you what color you were. There were 4 different colors: Orange, Gold, Blue, and Green. Each color represented a set of ideals, beliefs, personality, and mindset. In a short condense description, Oranges are spontaneous, active, and carefree. Golds are organized, punctual, and bossy. Blues are the emotional and caring types. Greens are analytical, conceptual and abstract.

I turned out to be Green with heavy fillings of blue. I wasn't shocked, but I was more intrigue at who I was. Not only that, I met the people in the room who were also Green and things clicked in odd ways with them. We all had similar ideas and we were comfortable with not bothering to introduce each other. We did not have chaos over the little project we were suppose to do unlike the rest of the groups.

We were giving a list of traits about who we were and who the others were which brought a lot of insight to the people I deal with around campus. The sad part was that my color seems to exist in small quantities, but I found myself not alone and "special" at the same time.

This past weekend, I came home to family drama. My parents still see me as a slackoff because they only see me at home sleeping or on the computer, but at school, I have a to-do list that covers the wall. I've come to realize that my parents do not know who I am, and I don't see them ever knowing the real me. The complexity of my mind completely overshadows their beliefs about me. I have lost touch with them now; they live in a world of survival where I live in a world about influence and possiblities. My parents aren't simple-minded; I see where my brainpower comes from. Unfortunately for them two, their weakspots are covered by the other and that leaves them in constant fights over family problems. I luckily was made without those weakspots, and that leaves me at a better state than they are but alone in my family. I try not to be conceded about this, but I do see their strengths and weakness and compare it to myself.

I have tried to feed them bits of pieces about who I am and what I believe, but to them, it means nothing. My values do not match their values. My mindset do not match their mindset. I know that I am definitely not the only child in the world with this problem. Millions of families go through the same dilemma. However, I do not know how long these problems usually last?? I don't see my differences ever merging with my parents. I don't ever see them knowing who their son really is. It makes me wonder if I will ever fully know my child. It makes me wonder if I will ever fully know my wife, my friends, my relatives. The sad truth seems to be no. Noone can ever fully understand a person unless they become him/her. Its more than just wearing their shoe. Its their life that you have to be living; their past, their struggles, their successes, and their desires. We as humans only appreciate what we want and believe. People who think different or get in the way are problems. Thus, I believe peace will never last in this world.

Breakdown - Jack Johnson

Today's song really has no relevance to anything significant. Its just a good song, and I cant get it off my head right now. Over a week has passed by now, and I must say right now I am in a fairly good mood. Last Tuesday was rock bottom I needed to hit. At my grandma's funeral, I finally was able to cry. Though I will say I wish I got more time to cry, not all of my feelings were able to come out and the time has passed now. I do feel that emotional burden just barely hidden under my daily priorities. Time is too sacred in this world, and I don't have any more time to stop again to release this negative energy. Frankly, I think my plans right now is to eat it up and hope it sink deeper away and dissolve away after time passes.

After the funeral, I was slowly able to pull up from bottom at a steady rate. In fact, right now the funeral seems like it was almost a month ago. The rest of the week, I spent a lot of time with friends to keep me company and just had a good time enjoying our first week of the quarter. For the weekend, I went to a conference out of town that was sponsored by the campus. The hotel we stayed was pretty clean and made the time enjoyable. The workshops were generally helpful and the speakers were also inspiring. I was extremely impress of the fellow students I was with. I couldn't believe how many people I met that had at least some sort of ambition in their life. Though they did not represent the whole campus, they did show why my college has strong foundations. I networked with these people and hopefully made a lot of friendships.

As for the initial suffer, I still do think about her at least once a day, but it is not a destructive activity to my daily life. I still have not found a woman who can compete with her, but I have found women out there (especially at the conference) who do bring substance to the table. It felt good to be surrounded by quality ladies =].

Sailing - Christopher Cross

I haven't updated this blog for a while mostly because I didn't know what to say. My grandma passed away on Monday. I got news that she was on the brink of leaving around 6pm that day and I made my way to pick up my cousin before heading to the hospital before I got a text from another family member that she finally passed on. We finally arrived at the hospital and said our goodbyes. The most I did was tear up; I couldn't cry, and I haven't cried since. I don't know for sure what is holding me back from crying. It could be that I saw it coming a while ago, or that I'm glad she has ended her suffering. It could also be that I never felt close to her enough and I mentally want to distance myself. I realize that its only been about 3weeks since the start of this blog and the suffering I have endured... I believe that I should be a complete emotional black hole by now, but I have been in decent spirits this week. This leads me to believe that the human mind can take only so much emotional stress before it reaches a threshold that cause the brain to shut down depressive hormones and thoughts from forming. I feel that my brain has left a large chunk of itself into isolation so that I can continue my normal dail operations. But at the same time, my feelings seem desensitized, and I have lost a bit of my empathy resulting in slightly more selfish acts.

Her funeral is on tuesday in which I think I will be updating after it.

Time - Pink Floyd

My grandma from my mom's side has gotten worse over the course of the week. She fell again and broke her arm on weds. The next day, she fell again and became unconscious and was sent back to the hospital. Currently, she is staying there and is now losing track of where she is at and becoming delirious. I don't know how long she is gonna stay with us, but my aunt has been calling people to hurry and come before its too late. I'm not a man who knows how to express his feelings, and I don't know what to say at a time like this. I'm not sure if I will even cry when it occurs.
I think my apathy comes from the busy world we live in today. I have things to prepare for school and keeping track of the apt bills along with a project for an organization on-campus. My assistant had stepped down from her position for an internship elsewhere, and now I'm left with a giant mess and waiting for the new person to be appointed so I can train him/her. My cousin has been going to similar stress, and I think all of my other family members have just as much crap to do these days that we're just all looking away as much as we can until it hits.
For a woman at the end of her life, this is just disgusting of how society has force human beings to become robots. I know right now she is alone in this world even with over 12 children and 20 grandchildren and about 6 great grand children. I was never close to her, and it kills me to know that there isn't a thing I can do to ease her departure.

The world spins too fast now. In the mist of this financial crisis and heavy recession, all I see is people doing their best to live the life they lived before all this happened. People have stop smelling the roses; they live in a world of speed and competition to find their purpose of living. I believe that society has lost its empathy. Since the Industrial revolution, the clock controls the daily operations of humans and to break away from it results in isolation,financial loss, incarceration, or death.

I hate to imagine how lonely the end of my life will be. My Children will probably have enough on their plates to take care of me. I don't think they would be allowed to stop and smell the roses. Their job and children will have their lives. I will be that secondary thing to worry about, the where their just tossing money at to prolong the inevitable, death. Its always after you leave that they begin to slow the world they live in to make time for your funeral.

Us and Them - Pink Floyd (Wright)

Yesterday, Keyboardist Richard Wright passed away at the age of 65 after struggling with cancer. He was the founding member of Pink Floyd and created some of my dearest to heart all time favorite songs. I highly recommend listening to "Comfortably Numb","Us and Them",and "The Great Gig in the Sky." His music had help me pass through some of the toughest times I had the last few years. My midnight drives were never completed without hearing "The Great Gig in the Sky." It was the only time I could feel all my pain and suffering lift off my shoulders for 4mins and 44 sec. It is sad to know that I will never meet/see the man who wrote the songs that opened the deep dark secrets in my heart.
RIP Richard Wright


This weekend wasn't exactly the best weekend either, both of my grandmas have been in poor health. I look at them and questioned how the end of my life will be. Even though as a family we constantly would visit them, I feel that they are still alone in the world. Without someone of the same age to keep them company anymore, they have this distant feeling when interacting with them. I find it depressing to find that the end of life is full of loneliness with few memories to retain. The brain struggles to keep information straight and many times it seems to fail to store it into long term memory.

As a person who values memories and critical thinking, I do fear the inevitable old age. Of all the ways to die, I think I would rather kill myself than to die with Alzheimer's disease. To live the remain years of your live with poor cognitive abilities is equivalent to being a vegetable.