I haven't updated this blog for a while mostly because I didn't know what to say. My grandma passed away on Monday. I got news that she was on the brink of leaving around 6pm that day and I made my way to pick up my cousin before heading to the hospital before I got a text from another family member that she finally passed on. We finally arrived at the hospital and said our goodbyes. The most I did was tear up; I couldn't cry, and I haven't cried since. I don't know for sure what is holding me back from crying. It could be that I saw it coming a while ago, or that I'm glad she has ended her suffering. It could also be that I never felt close to her enough and I mentally want to distance myself. I realize that its only been about 3weeks since the start of this blog and the suffering I have endured... I believe that I should be a complete emotional black hole by now, but I have been in decent spirits this week. This leads me to believe that the human mind can take only so much emotional stress before it reaches a threshold that cause the brain to shut down depressive hormones and thoughts from forming. I feel that my brain has left a large chunk of itself into isolation so that I can continue my normal dail operations. But at the same time, my feelings seem desensitized, and I have lost a bit of my empathy resulting in slightly more selfish acts.
Her funeral is on tuesday in which I think I will be updating after it.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Time - Pink Floyd
My grandma from my mom's side has gotten worse over the course of the week. She fell again and broke her arm on weds. The next day, she fell again and became unconscious and was sent back to the hospital. Currently, she is staying there and is now losing track of where she is at and becoming delirious. I don't know how long she is gonna stay with us, but my aunt has been calling people to hurry and come before its too late. I'm not a man who knows how to express his feelings, and I don't know what to say at a time like this. I'm not sure if I will even cry when it occurs.
I think my apathy comes from the busy world we live in today. I have things to prepare for school and keeping track of the apt bills along with a project for an organization on-campus. My assistant had stepped down from her position for an internship elsewhere, and now I'm left with a giant mess and waiting for the new person to be appointed so I can train him/her. My cousin has been going to similar stress, and I think all of my other family members have just as much crap to do these days that we're just all looking away as much as we can until it hits.
For a woman at the end of her life, this is just disgusting of how society has force human beings to become robots. I know right now she is alone in this world even with over 12 children and 20 grandchildren and about 6 great grand children. I was never close to her, and it kills me to know that there isn't a thing I can do to ease her departure.
The world spins too fast now. In the mist of this financial crisis and heavy recession, all I see is people doing their best to live the life they lived before all this happened. People have stop smelling the roses; they live in a world of speed and competition to find their purpose of living. I believe that society has lost its empathy. Since the Industrial revolution, the clock controls the daily operations of humans and to break away from it results in isolation,financial loss, incarceration, or death.
I hate to imagine how lonely the end of my life will be. My Children will probably have enough on their plates to take care of me. I don't think they would be allowed to stop and smell the roses. Their job and children will have their lives. I will be that secondary thing to worry about, the where their just tossing money at to prolong the inevitable, death. Its always after you leave that they begin to slow the world they live in to make time for your funeral.
I think my apathy comes from the busy world we live in today. I have things to prepare for school and keeping track of the apt bills along with a project for an organization on-campus. My assistant had stepped down from her position for an internship elsewhere, and now I'm left with a giant mess and waiting for the new person to be appointed so I can train him/her. My cousin has been going to similar stress, and I think all of my other family members have just as much crap to do these days that we're just all looking away as much as we can until it hits.
For a woman at the end of her life, this is just disgusting of how society has force human beings to become robots. I know right now she is alone in this world even with over 12 children and 20 grandchildren and about 6 great grand children. I was never close to her, and it kills me to know that there isn't a thing I can do to ease her departure.
The world spins too fast now. In the mist of this financial crisis and heavy recession, all I see is people doing their best to live the life they lived before all this happened. People have stop smelling the roses; they live in a world of speed and competition to find their purpose of living. I believe that society has lost its empathy. Since the Industrial revolution, the clock controls the daily operations of humans and to break away from it results in isolation,financial loss, incarceration, or death.
I hate to imagine how lonely the end of my life will be. My Children will probably have enough on their plates to take care of me. I don't think they would be allowed to stop and smell the roses. Their job and children will have their lives. I will be that secondary thing to worry about, the where their just tossing money at to prolong the inevitable, death. Its always after you leave that they begin to slow the world they live in to make time for your funeral.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Us and Them - Pink Floyd (Wright)
Yesterday, Keyboardist Richard Wright passed away at the age of 65 after struggling with cancer. He was the founding member of Pink Floyd and created some of my dearest to heart all time favorite songs. I highly recommend listening to "Comfortably Numb","Us and Them",and "The Great Gig in the Sky." His music had help me pass through some of the toughest times I had the last few years. My midnight drives were never completed without hearing "The Great Gig in the Sky." It was the only time I could feel all my pain and suffering lift off my shoulders for 4mins and 44 sec. It is sad to know that I will never meet/see the man who wrote the songs that opened the deep dark secrets in my heart.
RIP Richard Wright
This weekend wasn't exactly the best weekend either, both of my grandmas have been in poor health. I look at them and questioned how the end of my life will be. Even though as a family we constantly would visit them, I feel that they are still alone in the world. Without someone of the same age to keep them company anymore, they have this distant feeling when interacting with them. I find it depressing to find that the end of life is full of loneliness with few memories to retain. The brain struggles to keep information straight and many times it seems to fail to store it into long term memory.
As a person who values memories and critical thinking, I do fear the inevitable old age. Of all the ways to die, I think I would rather kill myself than to die with Alzheimer's disease. To live the remain years of your live with poor cognitive abilities is equivalent to being a vegetable.
RIP Richard Wright
This weekend wasn't exactly the best weekend either, both of my grandmas have been in poor health. I look at them and questioned how the end of my life will be. Even though as a family we constantly would visit them, I feel that they are still alone in the world. Without someone of the same age to keep them company anymore, they have this distant feeling when interacting with them. I find it depressing to find that the end of life is full of loneliness with few memories to retain. The brain struggles to keep information straight and many times it seems to fail to store it into long term memory.
As a person who values memories and critical thinking, I do fear the inevitable old age. Of all the ways to die, I think I would rather kill myself than to die with Alzheimer's disease. To live the remain years of your live with poor cognitive abilities is equivalent to being a vegetable.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Trouble Sleeping -- Corinne Bailey Rae
It is roughly 7am right now, and I am fully awake alone... My day doesn't start until noon today, and I just finished summer school. I went to bed just before 3am and work up at 6:30am not exactly sure why. I have too much energy to just easily go back to sleep. My sleeping patterns have drastically changed these last 2 weeks. I now wake up earlier than my alarm clock roughly in the time fram of 8-9am. The sad part is I don't have to wake up that early at all. My class is at 1pm or i have free day to do other non-urgent tasks. Am I more energized? No... I would take a nap or 2 during the day because I feel exhausted. Sometimes I sleep earlier, like at 1am but i would push to 2-3am on different days.. I really don't know whats going on these days. I don't know if what I'm doing is healthy. And now I feel slightly sluggish as I write this; I can feel the burden on my body because of the lack of sleep.
I've also picked up golf again. Its a sport that requires patience and builds alot of character. It always feels good to see a swing a club correctly and see a ball zoom over 100 yards away. I think Im going to try to sleep right now because I have a meeting to go to later on. but I will be on the golf course within 48 hours.
I've also picked up golf again. Its a sport that requires patience and builds alot of character. It always feels good to see a swing a club correctly and see a ball zoom over 100 yards away. I think Im going to try to sleep right now because I have a meeting to go to later on. but I will be on the golf course within 48 hours.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Fly Away
Today she finally left town and is off to college. Of course, I haven't heard from her since last week after I dropped her off. My friends have been very helpful through the whole week. I can't say enough to thank them. Frankly, life is not easy with this kind of stress. My weekend was pretty tiring. I was dragged to do errands the whole weekend, and mindless tasks forces me to think. Thinking is pretty bad for me these days. I bring up the past and play through it min by min just trying to analysis like its a Shakespeare play. I could swear I did that this morning just before I woke up. I started to listen to my old music again. Some of songs bring more pain than others. Nevertheless, I have gotten alot stronger and building myself back up again.
I've also decided to pursue some of my interests that I've had as an adolescent. I want to pick up writing like I have lately,but I want to push it further. I want to take a poetry class winter quarter, because they are all full right now. Also, I am hoping to start writing for one of the school's publications. I think I could exploit my unbiased judgment on music. I have preferences to what I like to listen to, but I can appreciate good artists from different or unfamilar genres. From the surface, its easy to say Im writing to try to get closer to her... but I've had this urge to write way before she came into the picture. I just never had the ambition to develop it since I felt it wouldn't lead me anywhere. Writing helps my emotions come out so I figure if I am going to start writng more I should strenghten my grasp on language. My first college writing professor was the one who pulled out my writing potential and placed it infront of me. I never knew how much fun writing was to me until she showed the class how to dig deep into material to learn what its trying to tell you. I actually hope to meet up with her this year to see where I can further develop my writing skills.
I also want to start photography, but I need a really good camera and thats hard to come by right now. A DLSR is going to cost me a min of 600 dollars. I have the money, but I prefer a job first so I don't go bankrupt. I easily see the world in picture frames, but I never have the camera that is fully capable of capturing what I see. Things get blurry when they shouldn't or color/brightness issues always arise. I therefore will not go cheap on this when I do finally decide to go for it.
The last thing I plan to work on is the meaning of life and solving the unsolvable problems on the planet. I have been working on that since high school and contiued in college. I just felt I should restate it to keep me focused on my goals here. I also need to remember to take a philsophy class.
Thats all for today, I'm pretty tired right now with these poor sleeping habits... it was a better day than any day last week; I just don't know if it is a phase, and that I will get pulled back down unexpectantly.
I've also decided to pursue some of my interests that I've had as an adolescent. I want to pick up writing like I have lately,but I want to push it further. I want to take a poetry class winter quarter, because they are all full right now. Also, I am hoping to start writing for one of the school's publications. I think I could exploit my unbiased judgment on music. I have preferences to what I like to listen to, but I can appreciate good artists from different or unfamilar genres. From the surface, its easy to say Im writing to try to get closer to her... but I've had this urge to write way before she came into the picture. I just never had the ambition to develop it since I felt it wouldn't lead me anywhere. Writing helps my emotions come out so I figure if I am going to start writng more I should strenghten my grasp on language. My first college writing professor was the one who pulled out my writing potential and placed it infront of me. I never knew how much fun writing was to me until she showed the class how to dig deep into material to learn what its trying to tell you. I actually hope to meet up with her this year to see where I can further develop my writing skills.
I also want to start photography, but I need a really good camera and thats hard to come by right now. A DLSR is going to cost me a min of 600 dollars. I have the money, but I prefer a job first so I don't go bankrupt. I easily see the world in picture frames, but I never have the camera that is fully capable of capturing what I see. Things get blurry when they shouldn't or color/brightness issues always arise. I therefore will not go cheap on this when I do finally decide to go for it.
The last thing I plan to work on is the meaning of life and solving the unsolvable problems on the planet. I have been working on that since high school and contiued in college. I just felt I should restate it to keep me focused on my goals here. I also need to remember to take a philsophy class.
Thats all for today, I'm pretty tired right now with these poor sleeping habits... it was a better day than any day last week; I just don't know if it is a phase, and that I will get pulled back down unexpectantly.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Don't Wake Me Up...
Its pretty much the end of week 1. No doubt I had my very core beliefs and ideals challenged. Last night was the first time I dreamed about her. Everything was alright with her. She was talking to me again... We were laughing and joking, and me questioning the realism of this world I was in. Of course I woke up early again... Even though my body only seems to want about 5-6 hours of sleep, I know I still need alot more rest. I spent yesterday knocking out 3 times at my friend's place at different parts of the day. What am I suppose to do... I don't know... I have to go back home today and visit my parents and grandma. Honestly, I am in such depressing mood, that I don't want to visit them. Not because I'm playing the lone wolf card, but because I don't want them to worry and wonder. I won't tell them... its too much... I especially don't want my grandma to see me depress. She has not been feeling good herself, and she has been asking for me at home. Regradless, I will be going back and doing my best to act normal...
Well I learned something... Some music just isnt aquired tasted. Ive listen to 64 different songs which is a good sampling for the alternative techno/dance music my old roommate has, and I have only liked about 8 different songs. The rest is just not growing onto me. I don't hate the songs... but I'm just not absorbing it into me.
Well I learned something... Some music just isnt aquired tasted. Ive listen to 64 different songs which is a good sampling for the alternative techno/dance music my old roommate has, and I have only liked about 8 different songs. The rest is just not growing onto me. I don't hate the songs... but I'm just not absorbing it into me.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
step 1
I woke up today feeling like crap. Went to the office and did some planning for the year. I decided to talk to the genie of wisdom in our office, and he honestly had a better grasp of the big picture cause he has lived life a lot longer than I have. He reminded me that I was in college and that anyone would trade places with me even for a little bit of heart break. He told me don't like a woman pull you down and that if she was the girl for me she wouldn't want to see me suffer. I am suffering... but she doesn't know it... cause I don't want to show it.... He also reminded me about how the lousy boyfriend is suffering too and that things will be strained with their relationship. And its very hard for long distance relationships to hold especially with the difference of college and community college. He wants me to go out there and have fun and not let one girl pull me down at what should be the best years of my life.
I am honestly waiting for her to leave as soon as possible. I think Ill be better( slightly). If you've gotten this far and don't know me I probably sound like a fucking dumbass. I probably sound pathetic. Well your wrong, most people who go through this hellhole are disabled and don't want to do anything. Sometimes they would go to harsh measures in hopes the girl will know and feel sorry for him and thus possible like him.
I know that isn't gonna happen anytime soon. I know being pathetic will not get me the girl I want. I know that being worthless right now will do no good for me. Surprisingly, I got more energy now and more ambition. Sure there are times all day where time moves slowly... and I lose my strength to move on... but things like this blog help alot. Writing relieves the pain. It also makes me think (something I love alot).
i am writing this in because i have to. and for proof if I ever need it.
She isnt religious
she has to be upbeat but have a bit of shyness
she wants to go out there and have an adventure, but also enjoys spending time indoors
She has to be musical- she should of played an instrument up till high school but doesn't need to still be playing it.
Loves the same areas of music as I do. not completely cause i doubt anyone can have exact clone taste and I don't need to marry a clone, but similar ones to connect.
My guru said that this list will change and I should remember people change through college. I will change my desires from a woman, she will change herself (for good or bad). and some girl out there will most likely changed to be come compatible to me.
I dont know... everything requires time to know. Time.. its the only thing that can change the world
I am honestly waiting for her to leave as soon as possible. I think Ill be better( slightly). If you've gotten this far and don't know me I probably sound like a fucking dumbass. I probably sound pathetic. Well your wrong, most people who go through this hellhole are disabled and don't want to do anything. Sometimes they would go to harsh measures in hopes the girl will know and feel sorry for him and thus possible like him.
I know that isn't gonna happen anytime soon. I know being pathetic will not get me the girl I want. I know that being worthless right now will do no good for me. Surprisingly, I got more energy now and more ambition. Sure there are times all day where time moves slowly... and I lose my strength to move on... but things like this blog help alot. Writing relieves the pain. It also makes me think (something I love alot).
i am writing this in because i have to. and for proof if I ever need it.
She isnt religious
she has to be upbeat but have a bit of shyness
she wants to go out there and have an adventure, but also enjoys spending time indoors
She has to be musical- she should of played an instrument up till high school but doesn't need to still be playing it.
Loves the same areas of music as I do. not completely cause i doubt anyone can have exact clone taste and I don't need to marry a clone, but similar ones to connect.
My guru said that this list will change and I should remember people change through college. I will change my desires from a woman, she will change herself (for good or bad). and some girl out there will most likely changed to be come compatible to me.
I dont know... everything requires time to know. Time.. its the only thing that can change the world
the start of this blog
I don't know what is the purpose of this blog until I get deeper into writing on here. I am a student in California just trying to graduate like everyone else and get a job. Of course, I didn't make a blog to write about my hardships in college. I am writing this blog to pour out feelings both good or bad.
Lately, I have not been the best of moods and I would have to say that I dont know what is gonna happen in the next 6 months but I need to know... In a sense, it is crucial that the things I want to happen occur the next few months. I have never been this determined in my life. It frankly is different and slightly depressing. I know things will get in the way as time passes, and relationships I have with friends may sour because of my ignorance. But I feel that the best thing I can do now is do my best and strengthen every personal relationship I have so that atleast the web of people I have will be able to hold me up and stop me from falling into a black hole.
These next six months will be different, eventful, and possibly heartbreaking. My life stands on a pivotal point. Before me is a labyrinth that offers a wide variety of paths and an infinate number of outcomes. I have taken my first step this week on what I think is the best choice. Of course, it is not the easiest choice, but I don't really care about the additional suffering anymore. I am suffering a great deal regardless of the path I chose.
There is one path that is more difficult to me than any other path, and that path is to strip myself of who I am and become someone else. I would have to stop my love for the music I listen to. I as a individual cannnot accomplish this without sacrificing my principles. Music is my strongest connection to who I am. I have temporary switched to new and exotic music provided by and good friend. It is not who I am. There are a few good songs many I plan to keep listening to, but I could only see this annex to my musical soul and not replace it.
Lately, I have not been the best of moods and I would have to say that I dont know what is gonna happen in the next 6 months but I need to know... In a sense, it is crucial that the things I want to happen occur the next few months. I have never been this determined in my life. It frankly is different and slightly depressing. I know things will get in the way as time passes, and relationships I have with friends may sour because of my ignorance. But I feel that the best thing I can do now is do my best and strengthen every personal relationship I have so that atleast the web of people I have will be able to hold me up and stop me from falling into a black hole.
These next six months will be different, eventful, and possibly heartbreaking. My life stands on a pivotal point. Before me is a labyrinth that offers a wide variety of paths and an infinate number of outcomes. I have taken my first step this week on what I think is the best choice. Of course, it is not the easiest choice, but I don't really care about the additional suffering anymore. I am suffering a great deal regardless of the path I chose.
There is one path that is more difficult to me than any other path, and that path is to strip myself of who I am and become someone else. I would have to stop my love for the music I listen to. I as a individual cannnot accomplish this without sacrificing my principles. Music is my strongest connection to who I am. I have temporary switched to new and exotic music provided by and good friend. It is not who I am. There are a few good songs many I plan to keep listening to, but I could only see this annex to my musical soul and not replace it.
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